Guy Speak translated
1. "I can't find it."
Translation: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
2. "That's women's work."
Translation: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
3. "It's a guy thing."
Translation: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
4. "Can I help with dinner?"
Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?
5. "It would take too long to explain."
Translation: I have no idea how it works.
6. "We're going to be late."
Translation: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
7. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
8. "That's interesting dear."
Translation: Are you still talking?
9. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Translation: I forgot our anniversary again.
10. "It's really a good movie."
Translation: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.
11. "You know how bad my memory is."
Translation: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
12. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Translation: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.
13. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Translation: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
14. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
Translation: What did you catch me at this time?
15. "I heard you."
Translation: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days nagging me.
16. "You know I could never love anyone else."
Translation: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
17. "I brought you a present."
Translation: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.
18. "I missed you."
Translation: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
19. "I'm not lost; I know exactly where we are."
Translation: No one will ever see us alive again.
20. "I don't need to read the instructions."
Translation: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.