Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Oh my Ears

Jane has been sad. So very, very sad. Thoughts of awful teething, extreme colic, or anything else has been our first assumptions. The truth is I think her ears are lousy. After two big ear infections in both ears I think that she has a bigger, deeper problem. Now that I think about this a moment it is possible that the reason she has been so "colicky" may be these darn stuffed up ears. For the past 3 months she has screamed most of the day. Terrible beyond terrible. The constant screaming has left me with little time to do anything at all. Eating has been often put aside. I thought those days not unlike the newborn phase were behind me. Not at all.

After our visit to the Otolaryngologist my hope for peace has not been satisfied. I was hoping to hear that there was something easy to be done. A simple fix to make my baby less fussy, less of a screamer. No such luck. Her ears were not bad. The infection had not quite cleared which could be the reason for her being upset so long. The fluid has put some of the pressure on her ears. Yet her ears are not so infected to lead the doctor to think she should be in such pain. No clear answer.

Sigh

We are going to try another round of stronger antibiotics. After this round we will re-assess. I'm glad but also not satisfied. I'm pleased that Jane will not need tubes but I am so eager to have a baby that does not scream so often. I can't keep stopping my required daily tasks to hold and comfort her all day. I'd love to have that freedom to sit with a baby snuggling all day long. I just can't. I have a household that needs to move forward every day. I have older kids that need things from me, need things to do after school, and the basic chores of running a family have to get done.

I'm drowning. My orderly librarian tendencies are guilting me every day. As I see the constant state of disorder in my home I am reminded of what I can't fix. I am reminded of my inability to do it all. That is the harshest point of my realization. I just can't. For a person who always desires solving problems I find this almost agonizing to face every day. Everything is outside of my control and I can not get the sense of stability I need to comfort my needs. 5 months of this has taken its toll. Feeling like a caged animal I'm trapped trying to get on track to only be set behind. That feeling is wearing me out. I know it's temporary but boy does it feel like a life sentence.


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